The Layman's Review: Withnail & I

Welcome to the Layman's Review, where we give you a simple overview and a rating of some of history's most famous films. We're here to entertain you with facts and trivia, and to help you decide if any of these films are worth your time and interest. For a full list of movies on review, check out my previous post 'The Very Sciency Science Behind Film Choices'. 

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Film: Withnail & I

Director: Bruce Robinson

Year: 1987

Running Time: 107 minutes

Big Names

             Richard E. Grant - Withnail 

             Paul McGann - & I / Marwood

             Richard Griffiths - Monty

Plot Summary

Two out-of-work actors find themselves fed up with their drug-addled lives in London and decide to set off on a mini-break to a cottage in Penrith. Far from rejuvenating, the adventure turns sour immediately upon arrival, and the housemates find themselves “on holiday by mistake,” and tackling one fiasco after another. Griffiths stars as Uncle Monty, an unseemly yet endearing character with an inexplicable vegetable obsession. 

Top Quotes

“I feel like a pig shat in my head.”

             - Withnail

“GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!”

             - Policeman Two

“Give me the valium. I’m getting the FEAR!”

             - Marwood

“All right. This is plan. We get in there and get wrecked, then we’ll eat a pork pie, then we’ll drop a couple of Surmontil-50’s each. That means we’ll miss out Monday, but come up smiling Tuesday morning. ”

             - Withnail

“I’m preparing myself to forgive you.”

             - Monty

Fun Trivia

• In the credits, Paul McGann’s character is listed only as ‘& I’, and his character’s name is never mentioned during the film. However, according to IMDB, Withnail’s partner-in-crime has the surname ‘Marwood’ in the script and he gets a letter with his name on it. 

• Other actors considered for the part of Withnail include Daniel Day-Lewis and Kenneth Branagh, two actors from other films we have already reviewed. Day-Lewis was Johnny in ‘My Beautiful Launderette’ and Branagh played King Henry in ‘Henry V’. Incidentally, Bill Nighy was also considered for the role. 

• Director Bruce Robinson has two cameo roles in the film: first, as the barman in a pub; second, driving the car on the highway headed back to London.

• Despite playing a raging alcoholic in the film, actor Richard E. Grant does not drink. He is actually a ‘teetotaller’ due to health reasons: his body cannot metabolize alcohol and is therefore highly intolerant. 
• Side Note: Richard E. Grant has one of the best, most perplexing “Personal Life” sections on Wikipedia. You may want to check it out here. 

Ratings

Jessica’s Rating: 5 Martini Glasses

I absolutely loved it. This film is hilarious with its unique, very dry humor - and it has some superb one-liners. Fabulous cast. A new favorite, no question. 

Jeni’s Rating: 5 Martini Glasses

So relieved to find it was still as brilliant as I remembered it to be. Ludicrous, drunken and drug-filled, yes, but still brilliant. It’s a combination of scenarios set up to deliver brilliant one-liners, but with a storyline that is more reminiscent of a coming-of-age film. Just loved watching it again.

** For the record, we write up our reviews separately. The fact that we both cite the film's one-liners as a main draw was purely coincidental. And yet quite telling... **

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Got a fun fact of your own? Want to give us your two cents? Feel free to use the comment box below to submit Readers' Ratings, queries and thoughts. 

Devon: Where We Stayed and Ate

Lodging and Food in Devon

My family and I recently took a weekend vacation down to Devon to celebrate my youngest cousin’s first birthday. Below you can find some basic information on my B&B, as well as the pub we had our big lunch in. I highly recommend both, so if you find yourself in the area you may want to look into these two establishments. 

Where I Stayed

Town: Barnstaple, Devon

Lodging: The Poplars

Website: http://www.barnstaplebedandbreakfast.co.uk/

Cost (per night): £80 for double occupancy

Number of Nights: 2

Amenities: Complimentary Full Breakfast, Wireless Internet, Cable TV, Private Bathroom, Tea/Coffee/Cake in Room, Back Yard

Notes: The Poplars is a lovely “guest house” located on Runsam Road, a quiet residential road in Barnstaple and within walking distance of shops. This B&B offers two rooms, one with two single beds and the other with one double, and a live-in proprietor. Maggie, Saul and their children are friendly and welcoming - a joy to spend the weekend with. 

Breakfast is included in your room price and is full English-style. It is also delicious! 

Off-street parking is available, and there is space on the street as well.

** This B&B also has a live-in family dog - be aware if anyone in your party is allergic! **

View From My Window - Back Yard

The Breakfast Room

Where We Ate

Town: Georgeham, North Devon

Pub: The Rock Inn

Website: http://therockinn.biz/

Price Range: £2.50-£8 for starters / £5-£20 for mains, including sandwiches

# In Party: 24, including 6 children

Amenities: Children’s Menu, Word Search with Crayons, High Chairs, Outdoor Seating, Private Rooms, Separate Tabs

Notes: This pub was the perfect place for a large family and friends lunch catch-up. If you have a group, try to call ahead and book a reservation. The Rock Inn is extremely accommodating to larger parties, and we were sat in a spacious room at the back of the restaurant. The kids had their own table and space to play around outside. 

Our servers were attentive, knowledgable and friendly. They also allowed us to split our orders onto separate tabs to make payment easier. They met all of our needs to great satisfaction - and the food was very yummy! 

Private parking is available next to the pub. If you have multiple cars, you might try parking in the nearby lot at Glebe Field off Newberry Road. Parking in both spots is free. 

Grape Vines Growing in the Conservatory 

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Also, if you're visiting the area you may want to drop by Woolacombe Bay Beach - beautiful even on a windy November day! A great place for families, couples or a quiet book read. 

The Layman's Review: My Beautiful Launderette

Welcome to the Layman's Review, where we give you a simple overview and a rating of some of history's most famous films. We're here to entertain you with facts and trivia, and to help you decide if any of these films are worth your time and interest. For a full list of movies on review, check out my previous post 'The Very Sciency Science Behind Film Choices'. 

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Film: My Beautiful Launderette

Director: Stephen Frears

Year: 1985

Running Time: 97 minutes

Big Names

             Daniel Day-Lewis - Johnny

             Gordon Warnecker - Omar

             Saeed Jaffrey - Nasser

             Derrick Branche - Salim

Plot Summary

Omar Ali is a young Pakistani man living in London under the Thatcher administration. After his ailing father sets him up with a job at his uncle’s car washing business, Omar finds himself entangled in the ego-driven world of business management. This coming-of-age story follows Omar through the trials of racism and ethnic clashes, familial expectations and his own rapidly-evolving ambitions - all the while he is hiding a torrid love affair with his longtime friend and “business associate” Johnny. 

Top Quotes

“Aint nothing I can say to make it up to you. There’s only things I can do to show you…That I’m with you.”

             - Johnny

“What am I going to do with you? Turn you into something damn good.”

             - Nasser

“You must be getting married. Why else would you be dressed like an undertaker on holiday?”

             - Papa

Fun Trivia

• Daniel Day-Lewis starred in both 'My Beautiful Launderette’ and ‘A Room With a View’, which were released on the same day. 

• The film was a breakthrough for both Daniel Day-Lewis and director Stephen Frears. 

• The movie was originally made-for-TV, but was later made into a feature film. 

Ratings

Jessica’s Rating: 4 Martini Glasses

Although the film does have some major footfalls - both the plot and the characters come off a tad erratic - ‘My Beautiful Launderette’ was a landmark film for its time. It tackles and conquers cultural divides, as well as the relatively unexplored notion of gay relationships in film. Quite a shocking film to see Daniel Day-Lewis make his debut in, when you have only ever seen him in his later roles! 

Jeni’s Rating: 4.5 Martini Glasses

Haven't seen this film for years. So much of it seemed so dated, and so much was ground breaking for its time. I was worried it wasn't going to live up to my memories, but it is still a fabulous series of contrasts and conflicts. I even still like the cute water flight ending, and the bubble sounds with the credits.

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Got a fun fact of your own? Want to give us your two cents? Feel free to use the comment box below to submit Readers' Ratings, queries and thoughts. 

The Layman's Review: The Shawshank Redemption

Welcome to the Layman's Review, where we give you a simple overview and a rating of some of history's most famous films. We're here to entertain you with facts and trivia, and to help you decide if any of these films are worth your time and interest. For a full list of movies on review, check out my previous post 'The Very Sciency Science Behind Film Choices'. 

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Film: The Shawshank Redemption

Director: Frank Darabont

Year: 1994

Running Time: 142 minutes

Big Names

             Tim Robbins - Andy Dufresne

             Morgan Freeman - “Red” Redding

             Bob Gunton - Warden Norton

             James Whitmore - Brooks Hadlen

Plot Summary

In 1947, mild-mannered bank vice president Andy Dufresne is sent to Shawshank Prison for a heinous crime he did not commit. During his time in Shawshank, Andy makes a handful of enemies (The Sisters) and a select group of very close friends, among them Ellis Boyd “Red” Redding - a man who knows how to get things. It is clear from the start that Andy simply doesn’t fit in at Shawshank, but without any hope of parole, he must fight to make positive changes to the prison and to the people around him. 

Top Quotes

“Get busy livin’, or get busy dying.”

             - Andy Dufresne

“I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up rejoices.”

             - Red Redding

“Lord! It’s a miracle! Man up and vanished like a fart in the wind!”

             - Warden Norton

“”They say [the Pacific] has no memory. That’s where I want to live the rest of my life. A warm place with no memory.”

             - Andy Dufresne

“Only guilty man in Shawshank.”

             - Red Redding

Fun Trivia

• Morgan Freeman’s character “Red” was originally meant to be an Irishman. This explains the joke-line, “Maybe it’s ‘cause I’m Irish”. 

• Although Stephen King sold the film rights to “Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption”, he never cashed the check. 

• Stephen King and Frank Darabont are very close friends. 

• Because it is set in a prison in the 1940’s, a huge percentage of the characters are male. In fact, there are only two women with speaking roles in the entire film, and they are bit-pieces. There are no women shown inside the walls of Shawshank Prison. 

• The Rita Hayworth film the inmates watch is "Gilda", which came out in 1946 - one year before Andy Defresne is sent to Shawshank. 

Ratings

Jessica’s Rating: 4.5 Martini Glasses

I absolutely adore this film - it will always be one of my favorites. The storyline is gripping, the acting is superb, and it is a film you can watch over and over again. 

Jeni’s Rating: 5 Martini Glasses

Shawshank - a carefully crafted work of art. This film didn't fade with second, third or forth viewing.

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Got a fun fact of your own? Want to give us your two cents? Feel free to use the comment box below to submit Readers' Ratings, queries and thoughts. 

18 Life Lessons We Learned From Films

Movies can transport us from reality to fantasy and back again. They can make us believe in magic long-since forgotten and tug at our wasted heartstrings. Like music, art, and books, films shape our lives and affect us more than we even know. A great movie can become like a friend: comforting and familiar at the times when we need them the most. They make us laugh, cry and think, and - if we're lucky - they remind us of key lessons to make it through life.

Here are just a few of my favorites. I hope you find them thoughtful, silly and - of course - educational.


#1: ALWAYS make sure the bathroom door is closed, not just "closed over".

Source: Zack and Miri Make a Porno

#2: Make sure the juice is worth the squeeze.

Source: The Girl Next Door

#3: If you make a girl angry, the next logical step is to buy her a Fender Strat.

Source: 10 Things I Hate About You

#4: Never ever, ever, EVER get your chest waxed. It's just not worth it.

Source: The 40-Year-Old Virgin

*This clip contains explicit language. You've been warned.*

#5: You might be happier living life as an animal.

Source: Brother Bear

#6: If you ever find a real-life place where nothing very bad could happen to you, buy some furniture and give the cat a name.

Source: Breakfast at Tiffany's

#7: If all else fails, say you work for the city.

             Source: Dazed and Confused

#8: There is nothing more courageous than standing up for what is right and what you believe in.

Source: Dead Poets Society

#9: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.

Source: Dodgeball

#10: You'll be happier in big-lady jeans than you will be starving yourself.

Source: Eat Pray Love

#11: Always ask how to pronounce names like 'Nietzsche' to avoid embarrassment.

Source: The History Boys

#12: Don't let your fears get in the way of your greatness.

Source: Hook

#13: Rule 76: No excuses; play like a champion.

Source: Wedding Crashers

#14: Even though you keep fumbling for the right words, all you really wanted to say was 'thank you'.

 Source: In the Land of Women

#15: Best friends are for life.

 Source: The Adventures of Milo and Otis

#16: If you're a bird, I'm a bird.

 Source: The Notebook

#17: Laughter truly is the best medicine.

  Source: Patch Adams

And finally, possibly most importantly:


#18: We accept the love we think we deserve.

  Source: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Layman's Review: The Usual Suspects

Welcome to the Layman's Review, where we give you a simple overview and a rating of some of history's most famous films. We're here to entertain you with facts and trivia, and to help you decide if any of these films are worth your time and interest. For a full list of movies on review, check out my previous post 'The Very Sciency Science Behind Film Choices'. 

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Film: The Usual Suspects

Director: Bryan Singer

Year: 1995

Running Time: 106 minutes

Big Names

             Kevin Spacey - “Verbal” Kint

             Gabriel Byrne - Dean Keaton

             Chazz Palminteri - Dave Kujan

             Pete Postlethwaite - Kobayashi

             Dan Hedaya - Sergeant Jeff Rabin

Plot Summary

Five criminals - four veterans and one rookie (Spacey) - are brought into a lineup and questioned about a robbery in Queens. Claiming innocence, the five men agree to pull a revenge job together before “retiring” to Los Angeles. Once in L.A., however, they are approached by a man who claims to work for the mysterious Keyser Söze - a man of terrifying power and violence who feels he has been wronged by each of these “usual suspects”. Söze gives the men a task in return for forgiveness; this task lands Roger “Verbal” Kint back in police custody, where he is forced to recount the events of the past six weeks. 

Top Quotes

“Keaton always said, ‘I don’t believe in God, but I’m afraid of him.’ Well, I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Söze.”

             - Verbal Kint

“Old McDonald had a farm, e i e i o. And on that farm he shot some guys. Badda boom badda bing bang boom.”

             - Michael McManus

“Really? I live in Queens. Did you put that together yourself, Einstein? What, do you got a team of monkeys working around the clock on this?”

             - Todd Hockney

Fun Trivia

• Kevin Pollak resented Stephen Baldwin’s method acting approach to the character of Michael McManus, which led to an ongoing feud between the two men.

• In order to maintain a genuine level of secrecy and ego, director Bryan Singer convinced each of the five actors playing “the usual suspects” that his character was actually Keyser Söze. The truth was only revealed to them at the initial company screening. 

• Writer Christopher McQuarrie worked at a law firm and a detective agency before writing the script for ‘The Usual Suspects’ and named all of his characters after people he had worked with.

• Many of the scenes and shots are unscripted or unintentional, including when Redfoot flicks his cigarette into McManus’ face, and Hockney’s reaction to Fenster’s unintelligible accent. 

• Director Bryan Singer loves the movie ‘Jaws’, which was vetoed from our viewing list by yours truly. 

Ratings

Jessica’s Rating: 3 Martini Glasses

My problem with this film is that the ending, which reveals the long-anticipated identity of Keyser Söze, isn’t rivaled by the rest of the movie. The entire plot hangs on the twist, which doesn’t seem epic enough to justify the first 105 minutes. 

Jeni’s Rating: 3.5 Martini Glasses

It’s worth watching twice, because then you get to see some of the clever plot twists which you might have missed in an initial viewing. However, it is not a film I would watch over and over again.

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Got a fun fact of your own? Want to give us your two cents? Feel free to use the comment box below to submit Readers' Ratings, queries and thoughts. 

The Layman's Review: Henry V

Welcome to the Layman's Review, where we give you a simple overview and a rating of some of history's most famous films. We're here to entertain you with facts and trivia, and to help you decide if any of these films are worth your time and interest. For a full list of movies on review, check out my previous post 'The Very Sciency Science Behind Film Choices'. 

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Film: Henry V

Director: Kenneth Branagh 

Year: 1989

Running Time: 138 minutes

Big Names

             Kenneth Branagh - King Henry V

             Derek Jacobi - Chorus

             Robbie Coltrane - Sir John Falstaff

             Judi Dench - Mistress Nell

             Paul Scofield - King Charles VI 

             Emma Thompson - Princess Katherine

Plot Summary

Offended by King Charles VI, King Henry V of England declares war on France, and leads his troops into a series of battles, culminating in a bloody skirmish at Agincourt. The young king intends to claim France as part of his kingdom, and yet ends up falling for Princess Katherine. Henry also finds himself facing difficult monarchical decisions, as former friends betray his trust and test his ability to maintain impartial rule. 

Top Quotes

“Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; or close the wall up with our English dead!”

             - King Henry V

“Customs curtsy to great kings. We are the makers of manners, Kate.”

             - King Henry V

Fun Trivia

• Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson were married in real life between 1989-1995, before splitting due to Branagh’s affair with Helena Bonham Carter. They have acted in a number of films together, including ‘Dead Again’ and ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ and were also love interests in the latter. 

• More recently, Branagh and Thompson shared the screen in 2002’s ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’; they acted alongside Robbie Coltrane, who played Falstaff in Branagh’s adaptation of ‘Henry V’. 

• Judi Dench and Kenneth Branagh both appeared in the 1996 rendition of ‘Hamlet’, as Hecuba and Hamlet, respectively. 

• Kenneth Branagh has directed four other film versions of Shakespeare plays: ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ (1993), ‘Hamlet’ (1996), ‘Love’s Labour’s Lost’ (2000) and ‘As You Like It’ (2006). 

Ratings

Jessica's Rating: 4.5 Martini Glasses

"I'm a sucker for most anything Branagh or Shakespeare-related. Also, I believe that Shakespeare's histories are some of the most difficult to adapt and keep captivating, and 'Henry V' was beautifully done. Jacobi's rendition as the chorus was unique and - frankly - stellar."

Jeni's Rating: 4 Martini Glasses

"The beginning was quite enthralling, but I did get slightly bored in the middle. I like this version, but I think there are better Shakespeare adaptations out there."

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Got a fun fact of your own? Want to give us your two cents? Feel free to use the comment box below to submit Readers' Ratings, queries and thoughts. 

The Very Sciency Science Behind Film Choices

Synopsis

For millenniums the brightest minds have questioned, wondered, posited and studied. Mathematicians and world-renowned doctors have sacrificed their lives in search of an answer. Galileo, thought by many a simple physicist and astronomer, only stumbled upon the secrets of the universe while attempting to decode the what many have deemed un-crackable. Homer, Turing, Einstein, Curie, Mister Rogers, Shakespeare and even a few others dedicated sweat, blood and tears to unearth and unwrap this particular riddle. Alas, they all failed to discover the one most vital truth:

How do we determine the greatness of a film? 

Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a wee bit, but a lot of people do spend an inordinate amount of time debating movie greatness and history’s “Best Films”. 

Luckily for humanity, our local research team has spent countless minutes and wasted dozens of milliliters of pen and highlighter ink in an effort to succeed where all else had failed. Today, I am proud to announce that we have a reasonably useful outline for you to follow, if you so wish. 

After weeks of listing all the “classic” movies we were desperate (and yet far too disorganized) to watch, my associate and I developed a system to determine a personalized Canon of Films. If you, like us, long to say things such as, “You know, I still maintain that Citizen Cane is hugely overrated,” and “That King Kong remake was just abysmal compared to the original,” then do we have the solution for you! 

Read on to learn how we generated our own list of 15 must-see classic films, and how you can do the same! 

List of Convenient and Not-at-all Confusing Acronyms (LCNCA):

• Base Selection List (BSL) = This is your initial list of films. However you choose to assemble this list, you will want to begin with a wide selection. We suggest a minimum of 100 and a maximum of 200 films for your BSL. 

• Rough Selection List (RSL): This is your second-level list; it may end up being your Final Selection List (see below), but more-than-likely, it will be amended and expanded. For more details, refer to the forthcoming section on ‘The Very Sciency Science’. 

• Final Selection List (FSL): This is your completed list; it enumerates all of the films you and your partner(s) have determined to watch. 

The Very Sciency Science (© 2014)

Now, thanks to my Very Sciency Science, you too may develop your own Canon of Films (sometimes referred to as ‘List of Movies You Should Watch So You Can Impress People at Parties or LMYSWIPP for short’). 

Please keep in mind that these rules have been devised for the use of two people, and should be properly modified to accommodate three or more participants. We recommend no more than five consultants per list.

** WARNING: The following steps are extremely sciency and can be tough to follow. Do your best. **

Step One: Develop Your BSL

Before you can devise your FSL, you will need to determine a starting point. For the purposes of our list, I researched a number of ‘Top 100’ lists across the internet and ultimately landed on the BBC’s ‘Top 100 Films Poll’ (2001), a list generated by Channel 4 viewers. This, we felt, added a human element, whereas a list drawn up solely by critics and filmmakers might not be as approachable. You may base your BSL around genres and sources that pertain to your personal preferences. 

To add a little more diversity, we mixed in movies from Rotten Tomatoes’ ‘Top 100 Movies of All Time’. Due to space constraints (i.e. I ran out of room on my word document), we counted in the top 12 films from the Rotten Tomatoes list, skipping any duplicates. 

Our BSL of 112 titles is below:

Step Two: Determine Your RSL

Now that you have a suitable BSL, you can begin implementing the Very Sciency Science to pare down the number of viewing options. 

You Will Need:

             Two identical copies of your BSL

             Two very secretive participants 

             Two blue pens

             Two red pens

             Two highlighters (we used yellow)

Without discussion, each player will consult his or her list and select a total of 35 films they super duper want to see. Unknown titles may be looked up, but no clear interest OR disinterest should be relayed to the other party. 

Circle your chosen titles using the blue pen provided.

In addition, each participant will be given up to three vetoes for films they unequivocally refuse to accept in their FSL. It is not obligatory to use your vetoes, but if one is used, that person’s discretion must be honored. 

Cross out your vetoed titles using the red pen provided. 

Step Three: Confirm Your RSL

Once this has been done, you will be able to reveal your combined RSL. Go through your BSL film-by-film and see what your associate has chosen or vetoed. 

• Any film that shares overlap (i.e. both parties have selected it) will automatically pass through to your FSL. Highlight your “Must-Have” titles using the highlighter provided. 

• Any film that has been vetoed by one or both consultants is removed from your list. 

• Any film that has been selected by one participant but not the other becomes ‘ineligible’.

Now you can count your highlighted titles, which will show you your RSL. 

Our RSL looked like this:

While our collection of vetoed titles was as follows:

Step Four: Finalize Your FSL

At this point you must make a crucial decision: do you think your RSL is sizable enough? If you do, then your RSL becomes your FSL, and you are finished! If not, then you must mutually agree on how to widen the lineup. 

Having a mere 10 overlapping titles ourselves, we determined to include five additional movies. For the sake of fairness, each player was allowed to select one never-chosen film plus one ‘ineligible’ film.

To round out the list, we asked an impartial third-party contributor to select any one title from the BSL, excepting vetoed films. 

In the end, we created this as our FSL:

We have since decided to begin with ‘Henry V’ simply because I have a copy. Check back for some updates and reviews as the adventure continues. 

We hope you enjoyed our Very Sciency Science. Have fun!

Our Collective Conscience

When I was eight-years-old, I stole a 99¢ lip gloss from CVS. I had seen older girls with shiny, dewy lips and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. However, being eight, I had no money with which to buy this mystical tube of strawberry-scented goodness. So I made an executive decision: I slipped the lip gloss into my jeans pocket, and strolled casually back to where my mother was comparing glue stick varieties. 

By that age I knew that a dollar was fairly inconsequential, but I also knew that stealing was wrong. I didn’t feel like a rebel for taking the lip gloss; I did feel a little guilty, but clearly not guilty enough. 

When I got home, I locked myself in the bathroom and eagerly applied the gloss to my modest little lips. This substance, which I had been so keen to acquire I had resorted to shoplifting, turned out to be one of the biggest letdowns of my young life. It was sticky and not at all appetizing, as the joyous strawberries on the tube suggested. It dried out my lips and made me look, well, ridiculous. I don’t remember what I ended up doing with that lip gloss, but I sure as hell didn’t throw it in the bathroom garbage can (that would have given me away all too easily). More than likely, it ended up lost behind my bunk bed frame, never to be seen again. 

Then, when I was about twelve, I found myself in a Yankee Candle at the mall. My intention was to buy one more teeny tiny present to lay under the tree. And by teeny tiny, I mean one of those $1 votive candles that claims to smell like Summer Beach Breeze or Granny’s Apple Pie. I carefully chose my scented treat and got into the long line of holiday shoppers. When my turn came to pay, I handed the cashier my last two earthly dollars and awaited my meager change. 

And then something magical happened: I was handed a small stack of crumpled bills along with my coins! Unsure of what was happening, I pocketed the money and exited the store hastily. I soon realized that the woman - in her rush to help customers with more legitimate purchases - must have punched $20 instead of $2 into the cash register, which resulted in my being given and additional $18 in change. Being a naive pre-teen, I had no understanding of a cashier having to balance her drawer at the end of a shift; nor did I know that she would likely be penalized for the discrepancy. So I went on my merry way, $18 richer and in search of some better gifts for my family. 

I did, however, make a point of avoiding that particular Yankee Candle for quite a few years thereafter. 

A few years later, my conscience was tested once again. This time I was 15, and I had just spent six weeks traveling around The Republic and Northern Ireland. Our journey ended in a three-day stay in Dublin, where we visited museums, saw St. James’ Gate and bought last-minute gifts for friends and family. 

I had spent about 20 minutes wandering around one hole-in-the-wall souvenir shop, unsure of whether I should purchase the ‘My Goodness, My Guinness’ coaster set for my father. I had the nagging feeling that I could find something better in another shop (even though they all turned out to be identical both in layout and merchandise). Unswayed by the memorabilia before me, I sauntered out of the store in search of a better souvenir. 

I made it about five blocks down the street before I felt that something was amiss. I stopped, looked down, and - to my horror - saw that I was still clutching the coaster set in my hungry little hands. Regret flooded over me, and I stood there in a red-faced panic, wondering what to do now. Eventually, I concluded that I had to return to the scene of the crime and purchase the coasters legitimately. But here was the problem: I was radiating guilt, sure that someone would see me slip back in holding the stolen property. In the end, I managed to smuggle the item into the shop, jumped in line and swiftly completed my transaction. 

My father really did enjoy the gift, which is lucky, considering how much trouble I had to go to just to buy it. 

These events were unearthed from the archives of my memory just yesterday, when I once again had the option to cheat the system. For an upcoming blog post (I see you all waiting anxiously), I went down to the local Boots Pharmacy and purchased a range of lipsticks in an assortment of hues and brands. When I was about to pay, I realized that the cashier had failed to scan one of the items. I don’t know how she missed it, as the tube was a vivid violet and I had placed it in clear sight, but that is neither here nor there.

Instinctively, I pushed the balm forward and said something along the lines of, “Oh, and this, too,” as if it was somehow my mistake. The lipstick was scanned and I paid my new total, leaving the shop feeling as though I’d spared myself some nagging guilt. In the end, I’m positive I could have gotten away without paying for the product; it was small and could have been slipped into my Boots bag. After all, it only cost £4.49 - who would it really have hurt? 

And yet, I doubt I could have ever used the lipstick, knowing that I had gained it through mild thievery. It probably helps that I am no longer eight-years-old, and I like to think that I have learned something in the last 17 years of life. 

Still, all these anecdotes got me to thinking about human consciences and how we react when put into certain situations. Without a doubt, there are rules of life that we all often bend (or even break) to suit our own needs: when I drive, I almost always do so above the speed limit; at crosswalks I teach my niece to wait for the ‘Go’ signal, but alone I’m more than happy to weave between cars; at ice cream parlors I have no qualms about sampling five different flavors with zero intention of actually ordering a cone. But all those things seem fairly benign, right? 

I guess my question is this: when does an action change from being simply favorable to one party, to being harmful or wrong? Does it have to involve money, or only goods? Everybody will have a different answer to these queries, of course. Most likely this blog post won’t change the world in any major way. But at least it made me stop and think. Maybe it did for you, too…

** If you would be so kind, please tell me what you think in the comments section. This is not for any research, but really for my own interest, and your answers can remain anonymous. Thanks! **

The Continent I Lost

After years of claiming that I would pick up a Bill Bryson book, I have finally made good on my promise. 

The romantics would say that this timing is impeccable - that it was a mixture of bookworm fate and traveler’s destiny, and all of the stalling had led to this precise moment: just weeks after my latest disappearance from the confines of the United States, I encountered a copy of The Lost Continent on a friend’s bookshelf. Feeling that it was about time to get down to business, I asked to borrow the book and began to gorge myself on one of Bryson’s ex-pat tales. 

Personally, I’m more of a realist than a romantic. I can can find an array of reasons for the postponement of this particular moment in my life: over the course of the past seven or so years (since I might have first encountered the name Bill Bryson), I have been waylaid by school, work, other books, romantic entanglements, Netflix marathons, wine hangovers, naps and general laziness - to name a few. It is not my belief that destiny plays any role in our lives, and certainly not when it comes to our fictional meanderings. 

No matter how you think I got here, I am here nonetheless. It is undeniably fitting that I have begun reading this, “suave, sarcastic and very funny”* travel novel now, as Bryson’s account of his cross-country expedition mirrors my previous experiences of returning stateside; likely, it will also echo any midlife American road trip I may find myself on in the years to come. I would be surprised if I didn’t follow a similar path and eventually find myself rambling down interstates, highways and country back roads for a week or two. 

One day I will, no doubt, crave the feel of potholes beneath my tires and relish in the chance to scare the bejesus out of unwitting motorhome drivers (“That’ll teach you to take a building on vacation,” I muttered uncharitably, and hoped that something heavy had fallen on his wife in the back.), and when that day comes, I’ll have Bryson’s commentary to reflect upon. 

I might opt for the words “crass”, “truthful” and “slightly-hyperbolic” in lieu the aforementioned adjectives, but the sentiment is comparable. Reading through Bryson’s account of my previous places of habitation, I am reminded of how diverse and entrancing America can be, and yet also how desperately depressing and self-centered that isolated nation truly is. 

Last week I was driving through London with my cousin when he asked me if reading The Lost Continent made me nostalgic for “home”. Without thinking, I responded by saying, “No. It has cemented the feeling that I made the right decision [in leaving].” Bryson’s words remind me that I was never meant to become a permanent fixture of the American landscape, but rather a passerby whose story stretches miles beyond the Long Island Sound or even the balmy California coastline. 

Like Bryson, I abandoned America for the rain-soaked island of England. Unlike Bryson, this was my first home, and I intend it to be my last. With any luck, impermanent-but-elongated stays in exotic lands will whisk me away from these shores every now and again. But, for now, I have simply returned “home”. 

* Excerpt from the Sunday Telegraph’s review of The Lost Continent, which I pilfered shamelessly from the book’s back cover.

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If that stellar piece of writing didn’t encourage you to pick up a Bill Bryson paperback, let me share a few carefully-chosen lines from The Lost Continent. Perhaps these will whet your appetite for a mockery-laden account of one of Bryson’s many intriguing travel adventures. 

On Connecticut, my home-state:

“New England states are indubitably tiny - Connecticut is only eighty miles across… Connecticut appeared to be just one suburb…Litchfield itself was very handsome, the quintessential New England town, with an old courthouse and a long sloping green with a cannon and a memorial to the war dead.”

“Soon I was in the suburbs of Hartford, and then in Hartford itself, and then in the suburbs on the other side of Hartford. And then I was in Rhode Island. I stopped beside a sign saying WELCOME TO RHODE ISLAND and stared at the map. Was that really all there was to Connecticut? I considered turning back and having another sweep across the state.”

On Gettysburg, where I studied for four years and absolutely never got into any shenanigans: 

“I went outside and had a look at the battlefield…fringed by the town of Gettysburg with its gas stations and motels…You had to take their word for it that a great battle was fought there. There were a lot of cannons scattered about, I’ll give them that.” 

“It is a pity, verging on criminal, that so much of the town of Gettysburg has been spoiled with tourist tat and that it is so visible from the battlefield…I found it difficult to summon any real excitement for the place.” 

On Philadelphia, my post-college home: 

“When it comes to asinine administration, Philadelphia is in a league of its own…When a state official named Bud [sic] Dwyer was similarly accused of corruption, he called a press conference, pulled out a gun and, as cameras rolled, blew his brains out. This led to an excellent local joke. 

Q:What is the difference between Bud [sic] Dwyer and Bud Lite?

A: Bud Lite has a head on it.”

Yet for all its incompetence and criminality, Philadelphia is a likable place…”

On rampant-yet-playful ignorance:

“Say, where do you come from anyway, honey?”

I didn't feel like giving her my whole life story, so I just said, "Great Britain."

"Well, I'll tell you one thing, honey," she said, "for a foreigner you speak English real good."

On general life lessons and the harsh reality of growing up:

"Afterwards, lying awake in the hot hotel room, listening to the restless city, I tried to understand the adult world and could not. I had always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted...But now, on this one important evening of my life, I had discovered that if you didn't measure up in some critical way, people might shoot you in the head or make you take your food out to the car."

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Finally, for those of you who hail from New York state, not New York City, and are sick and tired of explaining the difference, here’s a meme just for you.