The Layman's Review: The Usual Suspects

Welcome to the Layman's Review, where we give you a simple overview and a rating of some of history's most famous films. We're here to entertain you with facts and trivia, and to help you decide if any of these films are worth your time and interest. For a full list of movies on review, check out my previous post 'The Very Sciency Science Behind Film Choices'. 

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Film: The Usual Suspects

Director: Bryan Singer

Year: 1995

Running Time: 106 minutes

Big Names

             Kevin Spacey - “Verbal” Kint

             Gabriel Byrne - Dean Keaton

             Chazz Palminteri - Dave Kujan

             Pete Postlethwaite - Kobayashi

             Dan Hedaya - Sergeant Jeff Rabin

Plot Summary

Five criminals - four veterans and one rookie (Spacey) - are brought into a lineup and questioned about a robbery in Queens. Claiming innocence, the five men agree to pull a revenge job together before “retiring” to Los Angeles. Once in L.A., however, they are approached by a man who claims to work for the mysterious Keyser Söze - a man of terrifying power and violence who feels he has been wronged by each of these “usual suspects”. Söze gives the men a task in return for forgiveness; this task lands Roger “Verbal” Kint back in police custody, where he is forced to recount the events of the past six weeks. 

Top Quotes

“Keaton always said, ‘I don’t believe in God, but I’m afraid of him.’ Well, I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Söze.”

             - Verbal Kint

“Old McDonald had a farm, e i e i o. And on that farm he shot some guys. Badda boom badda bing bang boom.”

             - Michael McManus

“Really? I live in Queens. Did you put that together yourself, Einstein? What, do you got a team of monkeys working around the clock on this?”

             - Todd Hockney

Fun Trivia

• Kevin Pollak resented Stephen Baldwin’s method acting approach to the character of Michael McManus, which led to an ongoing feud between the two men.

• In order to maintain a genuine level of secrecy and ego, director Bryan Singer convinced each of the five actors playing “the usual suspects” that his character was actually Keyser Söze. The truth was only revealed to them at the initial company screening. 

• Writer Christopher McQuarrie worked at a law firm and a detective agency before writing the script for ‘The Usual Suspects’ and named all of his characters after people he had worked with.

• Many of the scenes and shots are unscripted or unintentional, including when Redfoot flicks his cigarette into McManus’ face, and Hockney’s reaction to Fenster’s unintelligible accent. 

• Director Bryan Singer loves the movie ‘Jaws’, which was vetoed from our viewing list by yours truly. 

Ratings

Jessica’s Rating: 3 Martini Glasses

My problem with this film is that the ending, which reveals the long-anticipated identity of Keyser Söze, isn’t rivaled by the rest of the movie. The entire plot hangs on the twist, which doesn’t seem epic enough to justify the first 105 minutes. 

Jeni’s Rating: 3.5 Martini Glasses

It’s worth watching twice, because then you get to see some of the clever plot twists which you might have missed in an initial viewing. However, it is not a film I would watch over and over again.

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Got a fun fact of your own? Want to give us your two cents? Feel free to use the comment box below to submit Readers' Ratings, queries and thoughts. 

The Layman's Review: Henry V

Welcome to the Layman's Review, where we give you a simple overview and a rating of some of history's most famous films. We're here to entertain you with facts and trivia, and to help you decide if any of these films are worth your time and interest. For a full list of movies on review, check out my previous post 'The Very Sciency Science Behind Film Choices'. 

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Film: Henry V

Director: Kenneth Branagh 

Year: 1989

Running Time: 138 minutes

Big Names

             Kenneth Branagh - King Henry V

             Derek Jacobi - Chorus

             Robbie Coltrane - Sir John Falstaff

             Judi Dench - Mistress Nell

             Paul Scofield - King Charles VI 

             Emma Thompson - Princess Katherine

Plot Summary

Offended by King Charles VI, King Henry V of England declares war on France, and leads his troops into a series of battles, culminating in a bloody skirmish at Agincourt. The young king intends to claim France as part of his kingdom, and yet ends up falling for Princess Katherine. Henry also finds himself facing difficult monarchical decisions, as former friends betray his trust and test his ability to maintain impartial rule. 

Top Quotes

“Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; or close the wall up with our English dead!”

             - King Henry V

“Customs curtsy to great kings. We are the makers of manners, Kate.”

             - King Henry V

Fun Trivia

• Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson were married in real life between 1989-1995, before splitting due to Branagh’s affair with Helena Bonham Carter. They have acted in a number of films together, including ‘Dead Again’ and ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ and were also love interests in the latter. 

• More recently, Branagh and Thompson shared the screen in 2002’s ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’; they acted alongside Robbie Coltrane, who played Falstaff in Branagh’s adaptation of ‘Henry V’. 

• Judi Dench and Kenneth Branagh both appeared in the 1996 rendition of ‘Hamlet’, as Hecuba and Hamlet, respectively. 

• Kenneth Branagh has directed four other film versions of Shakespeare plays: ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ (1993), ‘Hamlet’ (1996), ‘Love’s Labour’s Lost’ (2000) and ‘As You Like It’ (2006). 

Ratings

Jessica's Rating: 4.5 Martini Glasses

"I'm a sucker for most anything Branagh or Shakespeare-related. Also, I believe that Shakespeare's histories are some of the most difficult to adapt and keep captivating, and 'Henry V' was beautifully done. Jacobi's rendition as the chorus was unique and - frankly - stellar."

Jeni's Rating: 4 Martini Glasses

"The beginning was quite enthralling, but I did get slightly bored in the middle. I like this version, but I think there are better Shakespeare adaptations out there."

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Got a fun fact of your own? Want to give us your two cents? Feel free to use the comment box below to submit Readers' Ratings, queries and thoughts. 

The Very Sciency Science Behind Film Choices

Synopsis

For millenniums the brightest minds have questioned, wondered, posited and studied. Mathematicians and world-renowned doctors have sacrificed their lives in search of an answer. Galileo, thought by many a simple physicist and astronomer, only stumbled upon the secrets of the universe while attempting to decode the what many have deemed un-crackable. Homer, Turing, Einstein, Curie, Mister Rogers, Shakespeare and even a few others dedicated sweat, blood and tears to unearth and unwrap this particular riddle. Alas, they all failed to discover the one most vital truth:

How do we determine the greatness of a film? 

Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a wee bit, but a lot of people do spend an inordinate amount of time debating movie greatness and history’s “Best Films”. 

Luckily for humanity, our local research team has spent countless minutes and wasted dozens of milliliters of pen and highlighter ink in an effort to succeed where all else had failed. Today, I am proud to announce that we have a reasonably useful outline for you to follow, if you so wish. 

After weeks of listing all the “classic” movies we were desperate (and yet far too disorganized) to watch, my associate and I developed a system to determine a personalized Canon of Films. If you, like us, long to say things such as, “You know, I still maintain that Citizen Cane is hugely overrated,” and “That King Kong remake was just abysmal compared to the original,” then do we have the solution for you! 

Read on to learn how we generated our own list of 15 must-see classic films, and how you can do the same! 

List of Convenient and Not-at-all Confusing Acronyms (LCNCA):

• Base Selection List (BSL) = This is your initial list of films. However you choose to assemble this list, you will want to begin with a wide selection. We suggest a minimum of 100 and a maximum of 200 films for your BSL. 

• Rough Selection List (RSL): This is your second-level list; it may end up being your Final Selection List (see below), but more-than-likely, it will be amended and expanded. For more details, refer to the forthcoming section on ‘The Very Sciency Science’. 

• Final Selection List (FSL): This is your completed list; it enumerates all of the films you and your partner(s) have determined to watch. 

The Very Sciency Science (© 2014)

Now, thanks to my Very Sciency Science, you too may develop your own Canon of Films (sometimes referred to as ‘List of Movies You Should Watch So You Can Impress People at Parties or LMYSWIPP for short’). 

Please keep in mind that these rules have been devised for the use of two people, and should be properly modified to accommodate three or more participants. We recommend no more than five consultants per list.

** WARNING: The following steps are extremely sciency and can be tough to follow. Do your best. **

Step One: Develop Your BSL

Before you can devise your FSL, you will need to determine a starting point. For the purposes of our list, I researched a number of ‘Top 100’ lists across the internet and ultimately landed on the BBC’s ‘Top 100 Films Poll’ (2001), a list generated by Channel 4 viewers. This, we felt, added a human element, whereas a list drawn up solely by critics and filmmakers might not be as approachable. You may base your BSL around genres and sources that pertain to your personal preferences. 

To add a little more diversity, we mixed in movies from Rotten Tomatoes’ ‘Top 100 Movies of All Time’. Due to space constraints (i.e. I ran out of room on my word document), we counted in the top 12 films from the Rotten Tomatoes list, skipping any duplicates. 

Our BSL of 112 titles is below:

Step Two: Determine Your RSL

Now that you have a suitable BSL, you can begin implementing the Very Sciency Science to pare down the number of viewing options. 

You Will Need:

             Two identical copies of your BSL

             Two very secretive participants 

             Two blue pens

             Two red pens

             Two highlighters (we used yellow)

Without discussion, each player will consult his or her list and select a total of 35 films they super duper want to see. Unknown titles may be looked up, but no clear interest OR disinterest should be relayed to the other party. 

Circle your chosen titles using the blue pen provided.

In addition, each participant will be given up to three vetoes for films they unequivocally refuse to accept in their FSL. It is not obligatory to use your vetoes, but if one is used, that person’s discretion must be honored. 

Cross out your vetoed titles using the red pen provided. 

Step Three: Confirm Your RSL

Once this has been done, you will be able to reveal your combined RSL. Go through your BSL film-by-film and see what your associate has chosen or vetoed. 

• Any film that shares overlap (i.e. both parties have selected it) will automatically pass through to your FSL. Highlight your “Must-Have” titles using the highlighter provided. 

• Any film that has been vetoed by one or both consultants is removed from your list. 

• Any film that has been selected by one participant but not the other becomes ‘ineligible’.

Now you can count your highlighted titles, which will show you your RSL. 

Our RSL looked like this:

While our collection of vetoed titles was as follows:

Step Four: Finalize Your FSL

At this point you must make a crucial decision: do you think your RSL is sizable enough? If you do, then your RSL becomes your FSL, and you are finished! If not, then you must mutually agree on how to widen the lineup. 

Having a mere 10 overlapping titles ourselves, we determined to include five additional movies. For the sake of fairness, each player was allowed to select one never-chosen film plus one ‘ineligible’ film.

To round out the list, we asked an impartial third-party contributor to select any one title from the BSL, excepting vetoed films. 

In the end, we created this as our FSL:

We have since decided to begin with ‘Henry V’ simply because I have a copy. Check back for some updates and reviews as the adventure continues. 

We hope you enjoyed our Very Sciency Science. Have fun!

Our Collective Conscience

When I was eight-years-old, I stole a 99¢ lip gloss from CVS. I had seen older girls with shiny, dewy lips and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. However, being eight, I had no money with which to buy this mystical tube of strawberry-scented goodness. So I made an executive decision: I slipped the lip gloss into my jeans pocket, and strolled casually back to where my mother was comparing glue stick varieties. 

By that age I knew that a dollar was fairly inconsequential, but I also knew that stealing was wrong. I didn’t feel like a rebel for taking the lip gloss; I did feel a little guilty, but clearly not guilty enough. 

When I got home, I locked myself in the bathroom and eagerly applied the gloss to my modest little lips. This substance, which I had been so keen to acquire I had resorted to shoplifting, turned out to be one of the biggest letdowns of my young life. It was sticky and not at all appetizing, as the joyous strawberries on the tube suggested. It dried out my lips and made me look, well, ridiculous. I don’t remember what I ended up doing with that lip gloss, but I sure as hell didn’t throw it in the bathroom garbage can (that would have given me away all too easily). More than likely, it ended up lost behind my bunk bed frame, never to be seen again. 

Then, when I was about twelve, I found myself in a Yankee Candle at the mall. My intention was to buy one more teeny tiny present to lay under the tree. And by teeny tiny, I mean one of those $1 votive candles that claims to smell like Summer Beach Breeze or Granny’s Apple Pie. I carefully chose my scented treat and got into the long line of holiday shoppers. When my turn came to pay, I handed the cashier my last two earthly dollars and awaited my meager change. 

And then something magical happened: I was handed a small stack of crumpled bills along with my coins! Unsure of what was happening, I pocketed the money and exited the store hastily. I soon realized that the woman - in her rush to help customers with more legitimate purchases - must have punched $20 instead of $2 into the cash register, which resulted in my being given and additional $18 in change. Being a naive pre-teen, I had no understanding of a cashier having to balance her drawer at the end of a shift; nor did I know that she would likely be penalized for the discrepancy. So I went on my merry way, $18 richer and in search of some better gifts for my family. 

I did, however, make a point of avoiding that particular Yankee Candle for quite a few years thereafter. 

A few years later, my conscience was tested once again. This time I was 15, and I had just spent six weeks traveling around The Republic and Northern Ireland. Our journey ended in a three-day stay in Dublin, where we visited museums, saw St. James’ Gate and bought last-minute gifts for friends and family. 

I had spent about 20 minutes wandering around one hole-in-the-wall souvenir shop, unsure of whether I should purchase the ‘My Goodness, My Guinness’ coaster set for my father. I had the nagging feeling that I could find something better in another shop (even though they all turned out to be identical both in layout and merchandise). Unswayed by the memorabilia before me, I sauntered out of the store in search of a better souvenir. 

I made it about five blocks down the street before I felt that something was amiss. I stopped, looked down, and - to my horror - saw that I was still clutching the coaster set in my hungry little hands. Regret flooded over me, and I stood there in a red-faced panic, wondering what to do now. Eventually, I concluded that I had to return to the scene of the crime and purchase the coasters legitimately. But here was the problem: I was radiating guilt, sure that someone would see me slip back in holding the stolen property. In the end, I managed to smuggle the item into the shop, jumped in line and swiftly completed my transaction. 

My father really did enjoy the gift, which is lucky, considering how much trouble I had to go to just to buy it. 

These events were unearthed from the archives of my memory just yesterday, when I once again had the option to cheat the system. For an upcoming blog post (I see you all waiting anxiously), I went down to the local Boots Pharmacy and purchased a range of lipsticks in an assortment of hues and brands. When I was about to pay, I realized that the cashier had failed to scan one of the items. I don’t know how she missed it, as the tube was a vivid violet and I had placed it in clear sight, but that is neither here nor there.

Instinctively, I pushed the balm forward and said something along the lines of, “Oh, and this, too,” as if it was somehow my mistake. The lipstick was scanned and I paid my new total, leaving the shop feeling as though I’d spared myself some nagging guilt. In the end, I’m positive I could have gotten away without paying for the product; it was small and could have been slipped into my Boots bag. After all, it only cost £4.49 - who would it really have hurt? 

And yet, I doubt I could have ever used the lipstick, knowing that I had gained it through mild thievery. It probably helps that I am no longer eight-years-old, and I like to think that I have learned something in the last 17 years of life. 

Still, all these anecdotes got me to thinking about human consciences and how we react when put into certain situations. Without a doubt, there are rules of life that we all often bend (or even break) to suit our own needs: when I drive, I almost always do so above the speed limit; at crosswalks I teach my niece to wait for the ‘Go’ signal, but alone I’m more than happy to weave between cars; at ice cream parlors I have no qualms about sampling five different flavors with zero intention of actually ordering a cone. But all those things seem fairly benign, right? 

I guess my question is this: when does an action change from being simply favorable to one party, to being harmful or wrong? Does it have to involve money, or only goods? Everybody will have a different answer to these queries, of course. Most likely this blog post won’t change the world in any major way. But at least it made me stop and think. Maybe it did for you, too…

** If you would be so kind, please tell me what you think in the comments section. This is not for any research, but really for my own interest, and your answers can remain anonymous. Thanks! **

The Continent I Lost

After years of claiming that I would pick up a Bill Bryson book, I have finally made good on my promise. 

The romantics would say that this timing is impeccable - that it was a mixture of bookworm fate and traveler’s destiny, and all of the stalling had led to this precise moment: just weeks after my latest disappearance from the confines of the United States, I encountered a copy of The Lost Continent on a friend’s bookshelf. Feeling that it was about time to get down to business, I asked to borrow the book and began to gorge myself on one of Bryson’s ex-pat tales. 

Personally, I’m more of a realist than a romantic. I can can find an array of reasons for the postponement of this particular moment in my life: over the course of the past seven or so years (since I might have first encountered the name Bill Bryson), I have been waylaid by school, work, other books, romantic entanglements, Netflix marathons, wine hangovers, naps and general laziness - to name a few. It is not my belief that destiny plays any role in our lives, and certainly not when it comes to our fictional meanderings. 

No matter how you think I got here, I am here nonetheless. It is undeniably fitting that I have begun reading this, “suave, sarcastic and very funny”* travel novel now, as Bryson’s account of his cross-country expedition mirrors my previous experiences of returning stateside; likely, it will also echo any midlife American road trip I may find myself on in the years to come. I would be surprised if I didn’t follow a similar path and eventually find myself rambling down interstates, highways and country back roads for a week or two. 

One day I will, no doubt, crave the feel of potholes beneath my tires and relish in the chance to scare the bejesus out of unwitting motorhome drivers (“That’ll teach you to take a building on vacation,” I muttered uncharitably, and hoped that something heavy had fallen on his wife in the back.), and when that day comes, I’ll have Bryson’s commentary to reflect upon. 

I might opt for the words “crass”, “truthful” and “slightly-hyperbolic” in lieu the aforementioned adjectives, but the sentiment is comparable. Reading through Bryson’s account of my previous places of habitation, I am reminded of how diverse and entrancing America can be, and yet also how desperately depressing and self-centered that isolated nation truly is. 

Last week I was driving through London with my cousin when he asked me if reading The Lost Continent made me nostalgic for “home”. Without thinking, I responded by saying, “No. It has cemented the feeling that I made the right decision [in leaving].” Bryson’s words remind me that I was never meant to become a permanent fixture of the American landscape, but rather a passerby whose story stretches miles beyond the Long Island Sound or even the balmy California coastline. 

Like Bryson, I abandoned America for the rain-soaked island of England. Unlike Bryson, this was my first home, and I intend it to be my last. With any luck, impermanent-but-elongated stays in exotic lands will whisk me away from these shores every now and again. But, for now, I have simply returned “home”. 

* Excerpt from the Sunday Telegraph’s review of The Lost Continent, which I pilfered shamelessly from the book’s back cover.

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If that stellar piece of writing didn’t encourage you to pick up a Bill Bryson paperback, let me share a few carefully-chosen lines from The Lost Continent. Perhaps these will whet your appetite for a mockery-laden account of one of Bryson’s many intriguing travel adventures. 

On Connecticut, my home-state:

“New England states are indubitably tiny - Connecticut is only eighty miles across… Connecticut appeared to be just one suburb…Litchfield itself was very handsome, the quintessential New England town, with an old courthouse and a long sloping green with a cannon and a memorial to the war dead.”

“Soon I was in the suburbs of Hartford, and then in Hartford itself, and then in the suburbs on the other side of Hartford. And then I was in Rhode Island. I stopped beside a sign saying WELCOME TO RHODE ISLAND and stared at the map. Was that really all there was to Connecticut? I considered turning back and having another sweep across the state.”

On Gettysburg, where I studied for four years and absolutely never got into any shenanigans: 

“I went outside and had a look at the battlefield…fringed by the town of Gettysburg with its gas stations and motels…You had to take their word for it that a great battle was fought there. There were a lot of cannons scattered about, I’ll give them that.” 

“It is a pity, verging on criminal, that so much of the town of Gettysburg has been spoiled with tourist tat and that it is so visible from the battlefield…I found it difficult to summon any real excitement for the place.” 

On Philadelphia, my post-college home: 

“When it comes to asinine administration, Philadelphia is in a league of its own…When a state official named Bud [sic] Dwyer was similarly accused of corruption, he called a press conference, pulled out a gun and, as cameras rolled, blew his brains out. This led to an excellent local joke. 

Q:What is the difference between Bud [sic] Dwyer and Bud Lite?

A: Bud Lite has a head on it.”

Yet for all its incompetence and criminality, Philadelphia is a likable place…”

On rampant-yet-playful ignorance:

“Say, where do you come from anyway, honey?”

I didn't feel like giving her my whole life story, so I just said, "Great Britain."

"Well, I'll tell you one thing, honey," she said, "for a foreigner you speak English real good."

On general life lessons and the harsh reality of growing up:

"Afterwards, lying awake in the hot hotel room, listening to the restless city, I tried to understand the adult world and could not. I had always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted...But now, on this one important evening of my life, I had discovered that if you didn't measure up in some critical way, people might shoot you in the head or make you take your food out to the car."

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Finally, for those of you who hail from New York state, not New York City, and are sick and tired of explaining the difference, here’s a meme just for you. 

Reflections on Gender and Femininity

There is a sign in the Ladies' Room at my job that has bugged me since the day I started. 

People sometimes accuse me of being too picky when it comes to proper use of the English language (yes, I'm that annoying friend who will correct your grammar), but they seldom realize how influential and destructive words can truly be.

This is not to say that I am innocent, and although I am careful of my own vernacular, there have been countless times in my life when an ill-chosen word has done more harm than intended. I recently stumbled upon an interesting article about Duke University's "You Don't Say' campaign, and while I'm not sure I agree with all the so-called "slang" terminology it mentions, it raised some interesting questions. (Here is a link to the HuffPo article, if you're interested: "You Don't Say")

And here is a photo of the sign in question:

** Please Note: The name has been removed from this photo, for privacy reasons **

The delicacy with which our landlord (landlady? building owner?) went about avoiding "that time of the month" wording seems grossly unnecessary.We all know what you're trying to say, so just say it!

Now, instead of making reference to 'Feminine Hygiene Products' - a straightforward term used to discuss an anatomically-necessitated event - she chose to use to the word "Female". Seems innocent, right?

However, the idea of designating certain items as "Female" opens up the possibility that not all items are meant for girls or women. It says that these things are acceptable for women and those things are for men; if there is one group, then there must be more.

People who know me well expect me to shoot-from-the-hip; I don't sugarcoat things and I'm not a fan of making everything fit into black-and-white PC terms. I believe that Free Speech should be protected and demonstrated, so long as it isn't hurting anyone. So where do we draw the line?

I guess the answer is different for everyone, because what offends me might not offend you. I maintain that blatantly derogatory language is never acceptable, because who you are is not your skin color or your sexual orientation, and the negativity surrounding those terms is crass and extremely harmful. 

But is it any better to label a Barbie doll "Female" or a monster truck "Male"? If we did that based on  more controversial features, the backlash would be obvious and instantaneous. And yet, gender inequality isn't considered a controversial enough topic to trigger a worthwhile discussion in today's society. 

To call something "Female" or "Feminine" is a far cry from a racial slur…but all the sign is asking us to do is not clog the communal toilet, so why use such categorized language unnecessarily?

In the end, the seemingly benign sign got me thinking about what society deems "Female/Feminine" vs. "Male/Masculine", and I decided to play around with the notion. Here is what I came up with.

First, some traditionally "Female" depictions:

Second, some traditionally "Male" depictions:

And finally, here is a selection of my niece's favorite toys:

Take it or leave it, just some food for thought.

** For the Record: 70% of the items pictured above were taken from my own apartment. I am a female in my mid-twenties. The few other items were borrowed from my father, my sister and a friend (female). **

The Infamous Mr. Giraffe Incident

She's fast asleep now, curled up on top of my covers and enveloped by my giant, black peacoat. The little tyke passed out just as three lanes of toll traffic merged onto a bridge to cross the Hudson; just as the radio deftly melted from Lorde to Avicii. 

But she wasn't that way 23 minutes ago.

23 minutes ago, the air was filled with the kind of shrieks only toddlers can produce. Half-real, half-theatrical cries, words muffled by the pain-ridden sobs of exhausted youth. 

You see, today we went to the mall…and today, we were "that family". The family no one wants to be. The one with the petulant child and the worn-out mother beside her. 

Except…I'm not a worn-out mother, but rather a worn-out auntie. 

I'm the auntie who desperately loves her niece from her blond locks right down to her messily-painted toenails (which I painted, for the record). 

I'm also the auntie who won't give in, no matter how much of a brat (yes, I said it) my niece tries to be. Toddlers are compact con-artists who know how to prey on your weaknesses and tug on your heartstrings; sometimes, it can be extremely hard to not let their scheming (whether lucid or fatigue-fueled) drive you to the point of submission and bribery. 

Moms, dads, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, babysitters - pretty much anyone who has had considerable child interaction - can empathize with "The Struggle". In the end, we all have our own personalized crib sheets for dealing with the madness, so below I have listed a few of my tricks-of-the-trade. I hope these will help you, or, at the very least, entertain you.

1) Don't Give In

Parents learn this one pretty quickly, but for part-time child monitors, it can take a while to really sink in. Too often, we'll be with our child-in-question and when things turn sour, we are forced to dig up a small bribe or two: "Hey, buddy! Remember that ride we said we'd go on / treat we said we'd get / toy we said we'd purchase today? Well, we can only do that if you promise to be well-behaved. Okay?" For the most part, this serves as a balm to slow the oncoming episode, and you've bought yourself some time before the next freakout. 

But no matter how lucky you are and no matter how well-behaved your toddler is, at some point the volcano is going to explode and all hell is bound to break loose. At this point, the best thing you can do is stand your ground; if you promised your nephew a giant lollipop and now he's wrapping himself in public restroom toilet paper…that tasty treat is off the table. If push comes to shove, fireman carry him - kicking and screaming all the way - out to the car and get yourself out of that environment. 

He won't like it, but he'll realize that you mean business. And, more often than not, he'll pass out in the car seat before your first red light. 

2) Let Them Cry It Out

Similar to #1, the "I'm going to stand here and wait for you to calm down" method can be incredibly effective. 90% of the temper tantrum is used to see if they can get a rise out of you, so if you can remain unbothered, the hostility will eventually peter out. 

Please note that other varietals of the standby method include, but are not limited to, the "Okay, I'm going away now!" tactic and the "I can't even hear you over the awesomeness of whatever it is I'm doing" approach.

Again your little one probably needs a nap, so let him/her crumple to floor and recharge for a while. Also, keep in mind that these are all much easier to follow through with at home, so if you find yourself in a public area with an unruly child, the aforementioned fireman carry might just be the way to go. 

3) Remember They Are Going To Be Good…And Bad

This one is key. As human beings, we tend to forget things incredibly quickly. This is especially true when it comes to the behavior of ourselves and others. When your kid is acting up, your brain temporally blocks out all memory of their angelic moments; on the other hand, when your kid is snuggling into you - their light, humid breath syncing with your own - they suddenly become Super Child: The World's Greatest Toddler Ever to Walk the Earth…Ever. 

However, if we fail to forget one end of the spectrum or  the other, we will be doomed to repeat those rage-inducing, hostile child-ridden hours spent at the mall, the carnival and playground. 

4) Always Stretch Before Taking Your Child Outdoors

Just…trust me on this one. If you're at the monkey bars and little Polly makes a break for the road, you're going to want to get into traffic before she does. It should also follow that antics such as these are not taken lightly, unless you plan on terminating your gym membership very, VERY soon. 

And above all, remember: if you enter the store with Mr. Giraffe, DO NOT LOSE SIGHT OF MR. GIRAFFE. Those suckers are very hard to find among the stacks and stacks of clothes and accessories in H&M, and if you turn away for two seconds, there is a 100% chance that your furry little friend will partake in a not-so-fun game of hide and seek. 

Or so I've been told...