She's fast asleep now, curled up on top of my covers and enveloped by my giant, black peacoat. The little tyke passed out just as three lanes of toll traffic merged onto a bridge to cross the Hudson; just as the radio deftly melted from Lorde to Avicii.
But she wasn't that way 23 minutes ago.
23 minutes ago, the air was filled with the kind of shrieks only toddlers can produce. Half-real, half-theatrical cries, words muffled by the pain-ridden sobs of exhausted youth.
You see, today we went to the mall…and today, we were "that family". The family no one wants to be. The one with the petulant child and the worn-out mother beside her.
Except…I'm not a worn-out mother, but rather a worn-out auntie.
I'm the auntie who desperately loves her niece from her blond locks right down to her messily-painted toenails (which I painted, for the record).
I'm also the auntie who won't give in, no matter how much of a brat (yes, I said it) my niece tries to be. Toddlers are compact con-artists who know how to prey on your weaknesses and tug on your heartstrings; sometimes, it can be extremely hard to not let their scheming (whether lucid or fatigue-fueled) drive you to the point of submission and bribery.
Moms, dads, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, babysitters - pretty much anyone who has had considerable child interaction - can empathize with "The Struggle". In the end, we all have our own personalized crib sheets for dealing with the madness, so below I have listed a few of my tricks-of-the-trade. I hope these will help you, or, at the very least, entertain you.
1) Don't Give In
Parents learn this one pretty quickly, but for part-time child monitors, it can take a while to really sink in. Too often, we'll be with our child-in-question and when things turn sour, we are forced to dig up a small bribe or two: "Hey, buddy! Remember that ride we said we'd go on / treat we said we'd get / toy we said we'd purchase today? Well, we can only do that if you promise to be well-behaved. Okay?" For the most part, this serves as a balm to slow the oncoming episode, and you've bought yourself some time before the next freakout.
But no matter how lucky you are and no matter how well-behaved your toddler is, at some point the volcano is going to explode and all hell is bound to break loose. At this point, the best thing you can do is stand your ground; if you promised your nephew a giant lollipop and now he's wrapping himself in public restroom toilet paper…that tasty treat is off the table. If push comes to shove, fireman carry him - kicking and screaming all the way - out to the car and get yourself out of that environment.
He won't like it, but he'll realize that you mean business. And, more often than not, he'll pass out in the car seat before your first red light.
2) Let Them Cry It Out
Similar to #1, the "I'm going to stand here and wait for you to calm down" method can be incredibly effective. 90% of the temper tantrum is used to see if they can get a rise out of you, so if you can remain unbothered, the hostility will eventually peter out.
Please note that other varietals of the standby method include, but are not limited to, the "Okay, I'm going away now!" tactic and the "I can't even hear you over the awesomeness of whatever it is I'm doing" approach.
Again your little one probably needs a nap, so let him/her crumple to floor and recharge for a while. Also, keep in mind that these are all much easier to follow through with at home, so if you find yourself in a public area with an unruly child, the aforementioned fireman carry might just be the way to go.
3) Remember They Are Going To Be Good…And Bad
This one is key. As human beings, we tend to forget things incredibly quickly. This is especially true when it comes to the behavior of ourselves and others. When your kid is acting up, your brain temporally blocks out all memory of their angelic moments; on the other hand, when your kid is snuggling into you - their light, humid breath syncing with your own - they suddenly become Super Child: The World's Greatest Toddler Ever to Walk the Earth…Ever.
However, if we fail to forget one end of the spectrum or the other, we will be doomed to repeat those rage-inducing, hostile child-ridden hours spent at the mall, the carnival and playground.
4) Always Stretch Before Taking Your Child Outdoors
Just…trust me on this one. If you're at the monkey bars and little Polly makes a break for the road, you're going to want to get into traffic before she does. It should also follow that antics such as these are not taken lightly, unless you plan on terminating your gym membership very, VERY soon.
And above all, remember: if you enter the store with Mr. Giraffe, DO NOT LOSE SIGHT OF MR. GIRAFFE. Those suckers are very hard to find among the stacks and stacks of clothes and accessories in H&M, and if you turn away for two seconds, there is a 100% chance that your furry little friend will partake in a not-so-fun game of hide and seek.
Or so I've been told...
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